"Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity, or registering wrongs."
-Charlotte Bronte

I am paranoid.

Okay, not the kind of paranoid that sits in the corner in a fetal position, fearing all who come near. But, I am paranoid.
I enjoy walking through life making everyone feel a little better about themselves.

It is my gift.
This desire within me to is a desire to help someone see the better way without pushing. I want people to smile. I want them to walk away with a better experience in which they came.

But when someone is hurt or offended by me, that's when the fear registers. It's not about you, it's me. It's not that I have to have approval with everything, far be it. But I cannot know you, and have you think I had an agenda to hurt, maim, tease or make someone feel second rate. That would ruin the goodness in me.

Perhaps you are reading this and scoffing at the idea, perhaps you don't like me because this is my agenda. That I can relate and respect. Fine, that's all cool, but don't think that I do this to boost my ego or have an ulterior motive. I don't.
When did this begin?

Well as a young girl, I was hearing impaired. I know what it is like to be picked on, ignored, shoved and set aside. I know that I seen others receive the same. I grew up wanting to shield such behavior. I decided I can make the world around me a bit brighter. It works too. I love this position, I like who I am. It makes me wake up and look in the mirror and think, "You are alright." No conceit. No Judgement. Just a way of life that makes me feel good inside.

I am not an angel.

I am far from perfect.

But I like protecting my friends, I like making them realize that your friendship is safe with me. I like not being mean or selfish.
I just know that the day I decide I am better than another, or I can take someone down, or just mock someone's character, I will lose the part of me that feels warm and good.

So, yes, Dear Friend, you are safe with me.

People say I am a giver. Funny, I see it as a taker. When you smile or laugh and rejoice because of something I said or did, I take that away with me. I feel your warmth.
When you hurt I empathize, I pray for a healing balm and I listen, and I take away a part of your soul that needs protecting, we are all vulnerable and that is the greatest gift you can give one, I have your trust. I take your friendship.

I am tuned into thoughts, emotions, joy, pride, love and sadness. It leaves me vulnerable yet alive, so much more alive.
There are many like me here, and I know them, they are easy to find, and I hold them close because our hearts are on our sleeves.
Please be kind, our armor is thin, but our hearts are full.

Okay, I grumbled, complained and argued and feel better about it.
Whit and I are all squared now.
We all have apologized and have come to realize it was all a misunderstanding.

I have accepted the apology, Whit was quite himself and stood for what is right and really, how can I stay mad at the man, he has always taken time to comment on my blog and listen to my rambling comments.
It's over and I am headed to bed.
Besides, he started a limerick about me that made me feel good.
I hate grudges.
*hangs up her gun holster*
Life is good.
Oh and People Renegade is back!!
Woo Hoo!
So, what does all this mean? It means that blog streamer is a kinder and gentler world because we all want everyone to feel good here.
Belle darling, Whit is sorry, I feel it.
I say we get some sleep tonight girlfriend.
Oh and Colo, thanks for the sage advice.
River, thanks for clarifying and standing by it all.
My other blogger friends, you all rule. I love it here.
I am going to dream sweet ones tonight.
Night night.

You know, I learned something about an incident that occurred here that directly affected me.

I learned that I care about my reputation a lot.

No, this isn't a surprise in my off-line life, but I guess I had seen this forum one demensional for quite some time. There is good reason for that, and that was because I got emotionally involved on line with a group forum here and I was here playing role games more than I was living my off-line life.
I had become so emotionally attached with them that I would neglect duties or ignore time that should have been spent doing other things, to stay a while longer chatting.
So, when I returned a few years later to this forum, I have controlled my thoughts and cares to make this an activity in my life and not a mainstay.
This does not eliminate my emotional state nor does it down play how I care for my fellow bloggers. But I wasn't going to let it affect me emotionally, well that was a dumb thought. Because I certainly care. I pray for, rejoice with, desire to , clap aloud, praise around and enjoy each one of you I have connected with here.
I do care. So, when I was attacked by my own words quoted back at me, I felt slapped. I am not two faced. I can't be and am incapable. I can't hurt your feelings without killing mine. I just am that type of person.
I don't know how to handle this but to move on, but I always find I ned to glean something out of the fields of lessons. This is what I found.

Personally, I feel if anyone attacks me on a blog I won't delete their comment. Instead I will address it in open forum, leaving their comment so you have the freedom to address both parties.
I feel if comments are deleted because of convictions, then I will address it not in open forum, but in a private pm, or none at all.

Please, if you ever have an issue with something I have said, or the way I address something, contact me. I am very caring and I will sort out the issue, and if I need to apologize, you can bet you will get it.
I am on this earth to learn to become a better person, there is always room to grow. I am not here to make you feel belittled or helpless, but to befriend you so we both learn from our mistakes.

As far as the gun toting thing, I do have a funny story to tell about it.
I never really talked much about being able to shoot, because it was quite natural for kids in my area (Pennsylvania)to hunt.
Our school had first day of Buck and Doe season off. This was a way of life for many, most of the family hunted to stock the freezer and when school remained insession, not many showed up for classes.
Well, a while back, I was with a bunch of friends at a conservation show and they had a skeet shoot up and running and everyone was going to try it except me.
The friends shot and out of five skeets, they clipped one or two, and were begging me to shoot.
Reality was I just didn't want to stand in a line,and I don't like to stand up in front of a crowd, and it was drawing one.
The guy ahead of me turns to my friends and says,"Let the little lady alone, girls don't shoot well anyways." Then winked at me.
Well fire went through my veins, I waited and watched the guy who got three out of his five, so I hopped up in line and said to the guy, "You know, I think I will give it a try." He snickered a bit and started to explain to me HOW to Shoot and when, I nodded and said, "Been shooting skeets since I was twelve." I then took the gun, cocked and yelled "Pull!" (everyone had been saying..okay now or ready...to get the guy to shoot off the skeet, but 'pull' is proper exclamation.) I did this with all five, popping them right out of the incline in the sky, with the last I waited for it to descend a bit, then shot it.
I handed the gun back to the guy running it, walked by the dude who was opened mouthed and said "Thanks for your help."
My friends were dying, they were laughing so hard. I have to admit the feeling was a bit glorious and the day seemed a bit better.