Matthew and I have been married 2 years yesterday and I could not ask for a better husband and friend.
But the beauty of it all is that he does not define me.
What an odd little statement to make on such a lovely occasion, hey?
Actually, it isn't odd.
See, Sunday afternoon I stood on the bridge spanning a river off of the bay at the end of my road, watching my freckled faced adorable nephews climb around fishing for crab. The sun was high, the water sparkling and though it was warm, it was breezy. One of those days where everything felt in sync and I thought, I really like who I am.
Odd thought for the moment? Not Really.
But let me explain a bit.
When I had previously married, I was 20. We started a family and I ran a day care. When the girls all were in school I returned to college full time and worked 2 part time jobs. After supper and the kids were tucked in bed, I went to work until late hours. I would come home, clean and prepare for the next days lunches and clothes, since he worked full time he did not feel he needed to do any house work.
So I had every hour
filled with three girls, college, homework, my employments and house work. When I did have a free moment, I spent it with my three girls.
There was rarely any sit down time and 6 hours of sleep was a long night's rest.
After I fled my abusive marriage, I found a 9 to 5 job with weekends off.
The court ordered joint custody and the first day I returned home from work and the house was empty, I realized, I don't know who I am.
I didn't know what I liked and didn't like.
I had been so busy serving that I never had time to think of myself and he never cared what I preferred.
Anything purchased for the home was his decision, I did not have a say in any of that. His thought was that he was in charge of the money he made the decision.
I didn't even know what I truly liked to eat, I was on such a strict budget that I had always made what I could afford.
Now I had all this time and no definite plans.
I was lost, totally lost.
I started by window shopping, truly. I found that I love silver jewelry. I had never really picked anything out on my own. Even my clothes were items I unwrapped on celebrations.
It took me years to define who I am and what I like.
Oh, There were things I had done and never realized, for instance, after I had left I was driving my car and a friend asked why my seat was so far back in the car. My ex would have scream fits if he went out to the vehicle and it wasn't adjusted to where he liked the seat. I never remembered to re-adjust it after driving, so to keep myself from hearing his baby rant that would last up to two hours, I would just lean forward and drive. Never adjusting the seat and avoiding the confrontation.
I was stunned, I readjusted the seat to where I preferred it.
Then I started to look around and re figure why I did things. I ended up rearranging the cupboards that day so that they didn't reflect the old house, but arranged them for my own convenience. Suddenly I was shocked at how much of my life was adjusted to keep him happy and myself in control, the control I gave up to have peace. Life changed drastically and I went and obtained good council and eventually met my Matthew who helped by re framing my speech to reflect the power I had within me.
Today I am a confident, powerful person with a kind soul. I know what I believe, and I love the share of life in my marriage now. I have a partner and friend. I never feel bullied or belittled and I feel confident to share who I am with him and guess what? He cares!
AND, I am glad I am able to share who I am now with my children so that my girls can see how a marriage should work and see the level of respect we hold for each other.
You know, It's nice to be comfortable in your own skin.
